Fear and Loathing in Minnesota


It’s getting colder outside, the days are getting shorter. Legend has it that there once was a giant ball of fire in the sky that brought light and heat to all, but it seems to only be a legend.

Winter is already upon some and soon to be upon us here in Minnesota. The northern part of the state closer to Canada will soon be met with snow if it has not already and those of us closer to Iowa and Wisconsin will have our date with the fluffy whiteness soon.

Here in Minnesota that means the coming of snowmobile season, along with ice fishing. Being that we have over 10,000 lakes you might as well use them all year-long. It also means the coming of cross-country skiing, snowboarding, or just plain regular downhill skiing. For me, it means battling frozen legs, and the inability to regulate body heat to my feet and calves.

A tree not too different then this changed my life forever.

It’ll be thirteen years in January since I crashed into a tree in South Dakota forever changing my life and the life of my family. Living with a person who has a disability isn’t easy at all, there are many restrictions and compensations that need to be made. I haven’t been near a ski slope, or a pair of skis for that manner. I vowed that I would never again put my feet in those boots and stare down a slope again. I guess the lesson to be learned is never vow a vow you cannot keep.

Given my re-awakening to the love of the outdoors and proof that I can still enjoy them (see mid-life crisis post here). I’ve given skiing another look. I go dormant in the winter time because of my disability, the nerves affected my body’s ability to regulate the temperature in my legs beneath my knees. They are usually ice-cold and it’s uncomfortable to say the least.

Fear is an overwhelming emotion, it grips us and suffocates us if we do not keep it in check. It can work for us as an early warning signal to danger, but too often overtakes us. I’ve lived in fear for thirteen years; it is time to face and bury the demons of old. It looks like this year I’m going skiing. It’ll be a season of firsts. Neither my wife nor my son have ever been, and it is important for me to try again even if it’s just for the two of them. You see when you are married to, or a child of a person with a disability (or sibling too for that manner) you give up certain things out of love because that person cannot enjoy or even participate in certain activities because of their disability. My disability has been both mental and physical and I do not want to cripple my families potential enjoyment of something because that cannot bring me along.

My late wife (to catch you up I was married to a woman for six years who died from ARDS, Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome , after a four-year battle with cancer) had to face her fear of cancer and the diagnosis that changed my life, my son’s life and in the end ended her life. At the encouragement of our pastor she visited the very place where she nearly fainted and eventually learned she had cancer. My current wife asked me last night if I felt the need to return to South Dakota to the very place where I had my accident, I said no….honestly I don’t know if I could handle it.

I did this too, I was laying down and the result was a cracked pelvis and a shatter back

I don’t want to live in fear anymore, nor do I want my son to learn the lesson that when things go bad for you it’s okay to run and hide. Our children have to wrestle with the very things we as parents fail to overcome. There are some things my children just won’t have to deal with. So this winter I’m taking my family skiing, even if it’s only just once. If no one enjoys themselves then at least we tried it and now we know that skiing isn’t a family activity. I can make peace and say that I overcame my fear.

You’ll get a report on this trip. I’ll be sure to bring the camera and add photos and videos. It might be hilarious watching me try to stay upright on skis! I do have a confession to make, I am a bit nervous even slightly scared. I’ve been ‘practicing’ at home by checking my balance side-to-side to see how far I can lean without falling over. If you happen to be at Afton Alps when I go you’ll know who I am. I’m the grown man who is going nuts on the beginner slope hollering and cheering himself on like he just skied down a double black diamond run in Breckenridge, CO. People may laugh, and I may cry but if they knew my story I’d like to think they’d be cheering me on too.

Until next time…..adventure on!

Categories: Insight, Outdoor Recreation, Skiing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “Fear and Loathing in Minnesota

  1. I can’t imagine what it is to overcome something like that, but I am inspired. Thank you for writing and for your honesty, and I look forward to hearing about your trip to Afton. 🙂

    • I’m glad that I could inspire someone! I think I’ll get that written on my tombstone one day ‘I inspired someone!’ You’ve got to make the best of what you have to deal with, I like to poke fun at my disability because it makes others comfortable since it sometimes can be the giant pink elephant in the room! Plus I get to show people that no matter happens in your life, if you’re not dead, life still goes on and there is a way to get back in the game. You just may not be playing at the same level you used to be, but you can still play.

      I’m looking forward to my Afton trip too. I really am looking forward to seeing how my wife and son like/dislike the slopes. Should be a terrific adventure!

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