I Have a Nutella Addiction, Don’t Judge Me

The mix of hazelnut and cocoa just sends me into a nutt0-choco rage. I’m a big fan, I can’t seem to get enough even though I probably should.

I don’t know what’s good for me.

I have convinced my son that it’s the best thing out there and should be eaten at all times too. This means we can go through a ton of Nutella in a short period of time. Totally fine by me, not so much by my wife.

You see in my house she is the grocery shopper. I used to do it but I really sucked at it. It seems to me that the job of being a grocery shopper is relatively easy, there are stores wholly dedicated to the craft but there are intimate details to the game that quite frankly I miss out on. Here’s an elongated, drawn out, and quite possible fictitious account of how I lost my grocery getting position.

Being the good hubby that I am (nod and agree wife, I know you read this…..you’re the only reader I have!) I thought that I could take some of the burden from my wife’s plate by doing the grocery shopping. I mean seriously I eat food, how hard can this be. So after doing it awhile my wife finally got fed up and here’s how the conversation went.

Me: Look honey I brought home the food, I slayed the grocery monster now erect a statue in my honor! (I still deserve that statue!)

Wife: Um……what is this?

Me: Food, I bought us food so we can eat.

Wife: What am I supposed to do with it?

Me:Uh (very confused at this point I mean what else do you use food for except eat it or make fantastic macaroni art!)

Wife: You bought food without a meal plan, how am I supposed to take this hodge podge grouping of food and make meals for a week? Do you have any possible plan for this food and what to make with it?

Me: Baby…..(here is where I try to redeem myself!) You are such a wonderful cook I’m sure you can figure something out of this mess I made.

Wife: Uh-huh (while looking at me with those eyes and body language that says nice save…..you had better keep adding it on, thick and heavy!)

Me: (Of course I didn’t get that I should have kept going with the compliments instead I chose to be me…..foolish) Since I brought home the food, get in the kitchen and make me some dinner. (Said with a light hearty tone and a chuckle)

It is at this point in the story where things go very very badly for me. To this day I swear that what I saw defies the laws of the human body. My wife’s head flipped around total separate of her body and the stare I received chills me to this day. It was the cold icy stare of death that turned into the white-hot burning rage eyes. Speaking of which I feel the heat now as I write, like she knows I’m repeating this…… I shudder in fear.

I ran…..er well…..hobbled away as fast as my little chicken legs could take me and hid for about three days which I think is standard protocol. Needless to say I can no longer buy groceries in my house…..or speak for that matter.

So back to my Nutella addiction. Since I cannot buy groceries I have to beg for my choco-nutty delight when it comes time to grocery shop. I of course use this as an opportunity to flirt with my wife which has no real affect on her, nor does it yield the desired result. See what I mean below.

Me: Baby… I need my Nutella…..please Baby please….I’ll do all the things you like. (I of course am referring to all the things I like; this will come back to bite me square in the behind in a few seconds)

Wife: Honey you want your Nutella, you need your Nutella?

Me: Yes Baby, Baby Baby please!!

Wife: You’ll do all the things I like? (At this point she’s just toying with me…it’s cruel it really is!)

Me: Of course Baby, I just need my Nutella.

Wife: Okay Baby, but first you gotta give me what I need. (Here is comes…..get ready for the let down) I need you to do the laundry, folded AND put away. Do the dishes, give your son a bath, vacuum the floor, clean your office up it looks like a wreck and FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD STAY OFF SIERRA TRADING POST, EMS, REI, AND WHATEVER OTHER OUTDOOR GEAR SITES YOU GO TO!

Ka-blooey…right in my face.

Until next time…..be careful what you say to your wife and dial back the Nutella because it’s good but what are the trade-offs?

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